Hello, old friend.
22 March 2013 • believe, fate, life, love, moment, old friend, perfect
I'm aware that I've said it before, but I'll say it forever if I have to: I believe in fate. I'm one of those people. I think that sometimes we are given a little helping hand when we need it most. I whole-heartedly believe that signs appear everywhere, strategically put in place to help us with difficult decisions, to suggest the path we should follow; be it whether or not we should go out to the SU one night, which career is best for us, whether we should give a friend another chance or get out while we still can...
It was fate that helped me with my decision to go to university. I got my results at college and freaked out ever so slightly because I'd fallen short of my offer by a few measly UCAS points... Of course the phone lines were jammed and the UCAS website was falling apart, but I persevered and called the university itself; "hello, I've just got my results and I'm not sure if I've qualified for my place or not..." I gave them my name and waited (im)patiently while they checked.
"Ahh yes Grace, well actually your offer was changed to Unconditional yesterday! Congratulations, we definitely still want you!"
The whole experience was terrifying, but it opened my eyes to the fact that I really, really wanted to go to university after all. I'd been cushioning myself for the inevitable fall for the whole summer, telling my family that I wasn't that fussed and if need be I'd just go straight into the working world, no big deal. My parents had been worried, obviously wanting the best for me; my friends were concerned and urging me to take things more seriously, but nothing had worked. Not until the day I thought I really definitely hadn't got in. It was the wake up call I needed. One of my many brushes with fate, and this was a big'un.
Fate is not, in my opinion, some hippy-shit cosmic script we have to abide by. It's merely a kind friend whispering in our ear. Sometimes it's subtle, like when you pick up your phone and in that very instant, that all-important person calls. Sometimes it's more obvious, for instance when you open your front door and it suddenly starts pouring with rain outside. And sometimes it's a little something just for you; like your favourite song being played at the exact right moment.
"I like your dress."
20 March 2013 • afterwards, comparison, creative writing, dress, feelings, love, moments, sex
Two moments, one dress. A comparison, a perspective, a realisation.
He
gently lifted me, separating us with such ease considering we had been so physically
inseparable before, hands on hips and fingers on silk. I subtly rearranged
myself as best I could, not wanting to cause any fuss or give the impression
that I was over-thinking anything, while all the time I absolutely was; I slid
down next to him in his narrow bed, the distastefully orange sheets were harsh
on my eyes and his sleepy face oddly offered me no comfort. As he drifted
closer to ‘afterwards’ oblivion, I lay with my eyes wide open and wondered at
how many girls he’d had here before, and how many he’d have after me. Whose
imprint was I rudely filling right now? A few names crossed my mind, at an
agonizingly slow pace to ensure I didn't miss a single one; shutting my eyes didn't help, I just saw them written on my eyelids. The feeling of just being a
number, of being utterly forgettable and meaningless to someone who means the
world to you, it cuts like a razor on your wrist. I could be 7, I could be 102...
I hope he keeps track. I know I do. There were so many things I wanted to say –
what did this mean? Do we ignore it, carry on as normal, keep it a secret as
usual? I certainly didn't want to forget it, even if he did. I turned to look
at his peaceful face; of course, he had no trouble sleeping now. I’d be awake
all night, wondering and wishing, while he’d be dreaming. Better not bother him
any longer. I rose, pulled on my panties and headed for the door. I was closing
my fingers around the handle, careful to keep quiet, when I heard him say: “I
like your dress.”
I
woke in his arms, the entire duvet wrapped around me while he lay uncovered. I’d
somehow stolen all the bedclothes and pillows in the night, and he didn't mind.
His subtle snoring didn't annoy me. My tendency to roll around and stretch out didn't bother him. Bliss. I kissed his bristly face. The taste of last night
was still in the air between us, the earthquakes now harmless and the happy memories
as intoxicating as the whiskey. I sit up slowly, in no rush to leave and
feeling no shame in my skin. The feeling of warm satisfaction filled me up as I
gazed out at the cold morning beyond the sanctuary of the bedroom. I shut my
eyes, wanting this moment to be what I remember; good things can happen, I am
not just a number, someone might just care... Gathering my clothes is an
arduous task, the day ahead is painful in its inevitability. I’d like nothing
more than to just stay here for almost-ever, please and thank you. I’d also
like to wake up to the sound of a guitar and the smell of cigarette smoke,
every day. It’s definitely coffee time. I’m pulling on my panties and slipping
on last night’s clothes, when he looks at me, smiles and says: “I like your
dress.”
I Overthink Things: Chemistry.
12 March 2013 • Chemistry, friends, love, New Girl, OTP, spark
I'm a massive believer in Chemistry; the kind between people. It exists. There are some people I'll always get on with, always feel that little spark with, and always feel better when they're around. I feel it when I'm talking to them; when I'm actually engaged in the conversation and coming back with quick, snappy responses rather than apathetic replies, when I'm being especially funny or witty because that's the effect this person has on me. When I don't want to stop talking to them, ever. When they turn around and say "you're really easy to talk to, wow" and I can tell they feel the same way. When we go for months or even years without speaking and it's still the same.
Chemistry doesn't have to be a romantic thing, either. It can be a friendly feeling, in fact I'd say that of all the people I think I have Chemistry with, only one is in a romantic sense. I see it in other people, too, and it's so perfect. I hope they realise what it means.
This was all sparked off by me seeing a photoset of Nick & Jess, my OTP, from New Girl. Now, they have Chemistry. It's very rare for onscreen Chemistry to work so well, and that's why I love watching them. That, and the fact that they make me laugh until no sound is coming out and I'm rocking back and forth clapping.
I can think of three, maybe four individuals that I have this kind of connection with. It's so rare and so special, I will never take it for granted and I only wish I felt this more often... Or is it the fact that it's rare that makes it so special?
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