Funny
story, that’s really not that funny – I actually began writing
this blog post in the summer last year, and have had the document
sitting on my desktop, staring at me accusingly, ever since. The
truth is, the urge that inspired me to write it I couldn’t hang on
to, because it was so toxic and sent me into a horrible spiral.
There
has been a lot of scandal in the news in the past year, to say
the least. In fact, I think the more appropriate term would be ‘a
sh*t ton’. Obviously there have been a great deal of women bravely
speaking out about being wronged by powerful perverted men, hideous
accusations hurled around the House of Commons, and even more pay gap
shockers (seriously, folks. It’s 2018. Whut?). I have felt moved by
all of these things, in good ways and in bad. However, for some
reason, it’s a very silly and much littler thing that’s reignited
my need to write this post…
If
you know me well, you’ll know I am a die hard Strictly fan. I’m
part of a group chat with friends and family, the designated emoji of
which is the classic ‘dancing woman in red dress’; I watch ‘It
Takes Two’ most evenings (or save up all the recordings to watch in
one night, with wine); I read all the tweets and like all the Insta
posts, I place casual bets and take part in sweepstakes, and I often
weep uncontrollably when the titles roll and that music plays.
I also know about the Strictly ‘curse’, and who has fallen prey
to it in the past. And I read all the articles that come out
between shows, spilling the secrets from behind the red velvet
curtains.
In
the past week, I have been borderline obsessed with the Seann/Katya scandal. No, really. When Dad first posted about it in the
‘STRICTLY!!!’ group chat, asking if we’d seen the photos that
had been sold to The Sun, I shook my head and said ‘no way’. I
don’t know why, but I refused to believe it at first!? However,
once I combed through the article and saw every image (which then for
some reason made me think ‘geezz guys, hide it a bit better, eh?’
– another toxic thought!) it horrified me, and for days afterwards
I couldn’t get over it.
Since
that first article came out, the glittery sh*t has well and truly hit
the fake tan fan. People have ranted and raved all over social media
with their differing takes on the story and shared opinions on what
they all feel needs to be done next; while a few folks were satisfied
with the apologies from both pashing parties
and agreed that it was simply a ‘drunken mistake’, others were
much less forgiving and some even demanded that they be hanged kicked
off the show. Some friends of mine even questioned whether she might be in an open marriage (with gorgeous dancer pro Neil, also on the show - awks) but doesn't feel she can say that publicly...!?
One
could only imagine the madness happening in the BBC HQ, and the
pressure the Strictly staff were suddenly under to meet the needs of
the public and calm everyone down, while preserving their level of
class and not
indulging any tabloids. While all press is good press, it’s safe to
say these guys wouldn’t appreciate this scandal anywhere near as
much as, say, ITV or Channel 4. It’s been announced that Seann and
Katya will still be performing in this week’s instalment of SCD,
however the rumour is that their assigned dance has been changed from
a rumba (aka, The Sexy Dance) to the Charleston (aka, the comedy
dance conveniently with almost zero
contact between dancers).
Anyway,
as much as I love my Strictly goss, that’s not what this post is
about. It’s about betrayal, lies, cheating – and controlling,
toxic relationships. Yep, read on for some real joy!
Cheating
is wrong. Let me just start with that – it's not a spoiler, it's
more like a disclaimer. The rest of this post will touch on the
nature, causes and contexts of cheating, yes, but at the end of the
day I am very much of the opinion that it is wrong. We all clear on
that? Cool.
I
have cheated. I have also been cheated on. I've even been the girl
that a guy cheated with. I'm
not proud of any of these facts; just
thinking about each instance leaves me feeling
completely ashamed, sad
and angry at Past Me.
However, I guess the only
benefit of these awful truths is that they give me licence to talk
about cheating with a considerable amount of experience, and
unpleasantly acquired expertise, in the subject.
*ahem*
Cheating
feels horrible. For all involved. It's obviously bad for the one who
is cheated on, but
actually some
people cannot understand how rough it gets for the one who did the
cheating. HEY,
wait, hear me out! When I did it – many,
many years ago – I felt
filthy, corrupt etc., etc. but
I also was tormented by the simple knowledge that I'd done
it. And
what made that worse was that
nobody else knew. That my partner at the time didn't know. He knew
everything about me – and yet I was suddenly keeping this enormous
thing from him. I was surprised he couldn't see it. That he genuinely
had no clue. Couldn't he read it in my face, hear it under my words? I didn't make it very long living with this guilt before I told him.
Then
of course, there was the time I was ‘the other girl’. Oh, yes.
That was an experience. Basically, I had reason to believe the person
I fancied (many years ago,
this was) had a significant
other, BUT there was
never any confirmation or even mention of that when
we met up on a night out –
that is, until the morning after. I was somehow furious with myself,
after that happened. Although really, I shouldn’t have been. It
was all on them. They then had to live with the pain of having
cheated, as I already had by that point, and while they were quite
horrid for doing it, I still wouldn’t have wished that feeling of
guilt on them. Still, I felt very… cheap. And dirty, having been
the one someone committed a serious act of betrayal with.
Finally,
the time I was cheated on (and
I mean, it was an epic effort on my then-partner’s part. Seriously,
he must have been sprinting from one bed to another) I felt… mostly
stupid. To the point that when I finally found out about it (via one
of the many women), and the extent of it (she actually gave me a list
of names, and each one uttered felt like a shot fired into my gut from a very
short distance, BAM BAM BAMM)
I actually pretended I had known all along. Yep.
I was too embarrassed and felt like too much of a fool to react
exactly how I wanted to (bursting into tears and throwing my coffee
all over her… then apologising, buying a new coffee and going to
find him, the rightful recipient of the minor burns and brown
splashes) and instead I shrugged, scoffed and replied, a little too
loudly: ‘Yeah, you think I didn’t know about all that!?’
Going
back to the inspo for this cheery post, when I found myself in the
same position that the wonderful Rebecca Humphries recently
discovered she was in (only much worse, as what
had happened was between
her semi-celeb boyfriend and his dancing partner on
a famous BBC show, and the
whole world knew about it) I felt too scared
of losing face to confess that I’d been completely in the dark.
Rebecca, however, dealt a far worse hand than I, dealt with
it flawlessly. She released a
brilliant statement on her socials – and in doing so made the lame
ass apologies from both cheating parties look even more bumbling –
in which she told her readers that she had in fact felt controlled
and manipulated in her relationship for some time before this story
came out, and apparently she’d been called a ‘psycho’ and
‘nuts’ by her partner for suspecting it. She opened with ‘I am
not a victim’, and signed off with ‘I’m not sorry for taking
the cat’. Legendary. That’s how you do it, imo.
— Rebecca Humphries (@Beckshumps) October 8, 2018
In
researching for this blog post, last summer, I of course took to
Twitter.
*blog post research*— Grace Latter (@_gracelatter) July 24, 2017
Could you forgive a cheating partner?
Over 1,000 people answered my poll about forgiving a cheating partner, and many of them replied with comments and opinions. I found the replies were quite varied, which was refreshing, but still the poll screamed NO! at me.
Nope, never, nada, no.— Beth 🦊🌈 (@BethEveline) July 24, 2017
I did and we were together for three happy years after. It only ended because it came to a natural conclusion.— Daniel J. Layton (@DanielJLayton) July 24, 2017
Yes I could certainly forgive them but that doesn't mean I'd want to remain in a relationship with them.— Vicky (@Vickatronic) July 24, 2017
Each couple & relationship is different, it all depends on the situation. I'd never judge someone's choice as it's not a black & white case🙄— Imogen (@imzomars11) July 24, 2017
I
found I got a lot of responses that referred to 'emotional cheating'.
Then there were some replies to those, wondering what that
expression meant...
I find emotional cheating to be a lot harder to forgive than physical cheating— ur manic pixie dream (@ClaudiaJanette6) July 24, 2017
Emotional
cheating (act.): the forming of
intimate bonds with someone besides one's spouse/partner, consulting
with them on major life events and decisions (before or
while also conferring
with spouse/partner on same things), revealing secrets, establishing
the highest level of trust usually reserved for closest partners.
While
writing (or rather, revisiting) this blog post, I felt that I had
to ask around again…
*blog post research, again*— Grace Latter (@_gracelatter) October 11, 2018
Could you ever forgive a cheating partner?
Yes, weirdly this one got a lot less responses (!?) but again, a lot of replies came in saying ‘depends who it’s done with’ and debating ‘emotional vs physical’. Only a few were dead certain.
been there, done that. never again. pic.twitter.com/CnMsQsxhYH— Ruin 📸 (@ms_veness) October 11, 2018
Been there and didn't forgive BUT if you truly love each other and he asks for forgiveness and tells you BEFORE you find out, maybe.— Fee (@NeinNeinOKFine) October 11, 2018
... if there’s any gaslighting, manipulation or abuse surrounding the cheating or attempts to dismiss or bury it without genuine apology, it’s done. Nothing can be salvaged.— Beth Monster Mashley 👻 (@bethmayashley) October 11, 2018
It also depends on who it was! The relationship would be difficult to repair if they cheated with someone they see often— Beth Monster Mashley 👻 (@bethmayashley) October 11, 2018
I am wondering what most people consider cheating nowadays. It is a fascinating question. Like are there levels of cheating? For example is texting a girl non stop behind someone's back for 2 months the sales as a one night stand etc. My friend was stuck on this ? For years...— Harry Rodell (@harrylevirodell) October 11, 2018
I’d definitely say
emotional infidelity (confiding in someone else about the deep stuff
and/or flirting, via secret DMs or IRL) is almost as bad as physical
(dates, kisses, shagging), and definitely grounds for a split (and a
verbal bollocking). What do you think, readers? As always, comment or tweet me with your opinions if you wish to do so. I don't know about you, but I'll be watching SCD tonight with particularly rapt attention... and there's every chance there will be booing in my living room...
Also, wanna
read more about this particularly tricky subject? My girl Vix
recently posted about it on her blog. She's ace.
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