I
had a revelation recently. I can pinpoint the moment it
occurred – the very second my mind was overloaded with something alien, when my body felt a change
and suddenly my future plans and life goals were, ermm, 'updated'
a little.
Yes, it was...a Robin Scherbatsky realisation.
Yes, it was...a Robin Scherbatsky realisation.
But
no, the actual moment – my Robin Scherbatsky realisation – came after I had a midnight CT scan. I had been wheeled into the unit and then back to
my bed by porters, which had actually been quite fun. I sucked up
fresh night air as I whooshed down the empty corridors, I learned the
names of each ward, and the porters were delighted to chat with me
about the ducklings born in the little garden next to the unit I was being kept in. Being back in bed, though, was still a relief. Everything
hurt. Going back and forth in a machine can be quite tiring.
Then
the following morning, a surgeon came by with his squad of doctors
and nurses and sisters (oh my!) to tell me what was wrong. He told
me about my inflamed organs that had 'melded together'; the bowels,
the appendix and...the right ovary.
This
time, 'ovary' sounded delicate and precious. Like hands being wrung
and hope being extinguished. I sat up and frowned. After the surgeon
left, promising he'd see me soon, I examined myself. Because there,
in that moment, just a few seconds before...I'd suddenly been desperate to
save my baby-makers.
Now, you may be wondering how does this relate to Robin Scherbatsky?! Although I'm sure my fellow former HIMYM obsessives will have got the reference already (hi guys, let's all hug and pretend that absolute shite fest of an ending never happened, shall we?).
Robin Scherbatsky was allergic to relationships and never had any desire to start a family someday, or any day. She warned the very broody Ted of this when they first met, and still he persisted. Silly Ted. Anyway, in series 6/7 (spoiler) Robin had a pregnancy scare and then found out that not only was it just that, a mere scare, but that she was actually incapable of having kids. And despite being passionately against the idea for years, it unexpectedly hurt her when she learned it was not just a 'no thank you' choice made thing - it was biologically impossible. Not an option. Never happening.
Now, you may be wondering how does this relate to Robin Scherbatsky?! Although I'm sure my fellow former HIMYM obsessives will have got the reference already (hi guys, let's all hug and pretend that absolute shite fest of an ending never happened, shall we?).
Robin Scherbatsky was allergic to relationships and never had any desire to start a family someday, or any day. She warned the very broody Ted of this when they first met, and still he persisted. Silly Ted. Anyway, in series 6/7 (spoiler) Robin had a pregnancy scare and then found out that not only was it just that, a mere scare, but that she was actually incapable of having kids. And despite being passionately against the idea for years, it unexpectedly hurt her when she learned it was not just a 'no thank you' choice made thing - it was biologically impossible. Not an option. Never happening.
I
don't get broody. Nope. Never. I'll see a baby and deliver the
customary coos and polite questions for the parents. I'll smile and
pull faces if I see an infant peering at me curiously over their
mum's shoulder. I shake my head in amazement when I see the tiny
pairs of shoes for sale in Sainsbury's. However, I never ever
feel...an actual Wanting.
I
also get those rather evil baby-related thoughts, sometimes. A kid
starts crying and I mutter 'shut that little shit up'. I see a child
with his or her lunch smeared all over their face, and I shudder. I'll also swear to anyone who'll listen that only 1/5 babies is actually cute. Yeah. Fight me.
I
have never been able to properly understand The Wanting. Even mama
once said to me 'it makes no sense', listing all the terrible things
to consider when planning a family – the pregnancy, the painful
childbirth, the endless expenses, and that overwhelming sense of terror
when given a child to take home and look after with pretty much no
expert help – but then she went on to say 'you just do'.
She
also assured me that you'll always think your own baby
is cute.
It
still makes no sense to me. Or, it didn't. But then when I had that
momentary panic that my, ermm, equipment
could be compromised, I realised that actually I am maybe not as
against the idea as I had originally thought. In fact, I may have to
change my stance from 'do not want' to 'someday maybe might
want'. That's a bit scary, isn't
it?
I once saw a TV interview with a certain female celebrity (nope, I cannot remember her name, yes that annoys me no end, but the words said are the important thing here, okay?) She was asked about someday having her own
family – I mean, obviously, as she's a famous woman in her
twenties, what else is there to talk about? – and she responded
with lovely musings about how nice it could be to have 'a little
version of you' around. I suppose I agree – it would be nice to
have a mini Grace in the world. Hell, it would be extra awesome to
have a teeny human hybrid of me and a man I quite like, wouldn't it?
I
have considered that The Wanting could happen when I actually have
someone to want with.
I actually let myself...fancy,
once. I merely fancied the idea of having little ones with my most
recent ex. That may have been purely because he was such a gorgeous caring
guy though, and I knew he'd be good at the whole kids thing. I
also knew he loved the idea himself and would be all for it, someday.
I
think being with a person who made me feel that way was hella enlightening, because it taught me that I could want it, really
genuinely want it, if I had the right situation going for me. A
pretty specific situation. The ingredients for said situation would
have to be: steady job and finances, good health, stable brain, plus
someone I love quite a bit and want to create a person with. Also, if
I'm gonna get picky, which I often do in life, I'd really like two
sets of grandparents, guaranteed. Preferably nearby, as well. And the
ideal age for all this to happen to me would be at least
30. No earlier, thanks.
So
yes. I might want that, someday. That being...children. Eeekk.
Believe me, I am as shocked as you are at this declaration. Mind you,
I am not suddenly crazed with the idea and desperate to fulfil a new
goal. No. It is only a want based on necessary terms: security,
stability and love. Much as I'd love to do a Lorelai Gilmore and be a
badass independent mama. (sorry, I cannot get enough TV references it seems...) (my kids would definitely grow up with these shows, just fyi)

(Shout-out: photos of me were taken by mama, who also moved furniture out the way so I could get the perfect background. Legend.)

(Shout-out: photos of me were taken by mama, who also moved furniture out the way so I could get the perfect background. Legend.)
I love how open and honest this post is, it's great! I ALWAYS wanted to be a mum, I was probably my broodiest at age 12 so much so that I'm surprised it never accidentally happened lol but then at one point I completely switched the other way. I'm too selfish to have a baby! I want to spend my hard earned cash, I want to do what I want when I want, I suffer so badly with hangovers I'd never be able to drink again. BUT then it switched again haha fickle little laura! I would love nothing more than to have a baby one day maybe not right now but one day. Basically what I'm trying to say is, this switching from one way to the other is totally normal! It's a HUGE responsibility and decision of course we're going to feel differently about it at different stages of our lives, the more we learn and grow. I hope your equipment is okay lovely and that you will be in a position to make that decision for yourself one day xx
ReplyDeleteI don't have The Wanting either. I thought it would always just come to me, because that's how it's portrayed in films and stuff, but it didn't. And that panicked me for a while. But I guess there's still time for it to arrive and, even if it doesn't, I can choose to do it or not (I hope). I wonder if The Wanting truly exists? Anyway, I hope that all of your equipment is now safe and sound and that you're doing okay! <3
ReplyDeleteI've always felt like you about this... and now I'm nervous about the pains I'VE been having lately -.- what timing. I've had a cyst before... Didn't know it could get as scary as this :/ I hope you get better soon!
ReplyDeleteI have considered that The Wanting could happen when I actually have someone to want with.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.
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