Wednesday, 9 November 2011

My worst fear.

It's not spiders, the dark, being attacked on my way home at night, escaped mental patients or house fires... I live in fear of being left out, excluded, replaced or forgotten.
If you were a psychiatrist analysing me, you might say that this fear of exclusion can be traced back to when I was five years old and my little sister was born. I was so upset at no longer being the centre of attention that I convinced myself I was being forgotten/replaced, and as a result I began to loathe my baby sister. Obviously this was a completely ridiculous way to react, and back then I had the perfect excuse of being just five years old.
Now, however, at the age of eighteen, I am still living in fear of being forgotten. I go out at night with my friends partly because I want to have fun, but more often than not it's purely so I won't feel left out of all the action. I hate seeing photos appearing online from the night before and me not being in them. I hate watching everyone having the time of their lives without me. I hate the feeling that I am slowly being pushed out of a group that I once felt so included in.

Maybe I need to stop being so paranoid. Maybe I need to have a serious talk with the people in question and let them know how I'm feeling. Maybe I need to find better friends.

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