Saturday, 12 May 2018

Am I vain?

'I often find my mind wandering,' I said to my counsellor, 'when I'm talking to someone, or meant to be listening to something, or driving, or running errands...and I am almost always thinking about myself.'

Right, so....I think about myself. A lot. 

(Photo: Erin Veness)

I've already written about my Busy Brain; how often I worry that the inside of my head is just a swirling vortex of terror made up of my most unpleasant memories that surface at the worst possible times and awful thoughts threatening to spill out of my mouth for all to hear...while at the same time it's constantly streaming warm and cosy episodes of 'Gilmore Girls' and conjuring up sexy scenes with Chris Hemsworth, in which we eat the very best vegan food on the planet before turning in for a night of mischief...but also, my brain is obsessed with me



(Photo: Erin Veness)

For a very long time, I seriously worried I had high-functioning anxiety. If I'm honest, I still have the slightest suspicion I might. Because all the descriptions I'd read were basically listing every single impulse I have and every trait I am especially conscious of. 


I'm always thinking about how I can improve my image, boost my blog and impress the influencers. I stress over schedules, I yearn for pro knowledge on pitching and seek out the most flawless themes on all my social media accounts. 

But it hasn't always been this way, inside my head. In fact, for a good few years I was the last thing I thought of. Does that even make sense? Well, for a very long time everyone else was all I thought about. Ughh, this isn't working out well in words, but I hope y'all get it. I lived for other people. I took on all my friends' and family members' concerns, anxieties and stresses...and I suffered for it. A particularly toxic friend (of which I had many) would meet up with me regularly to unload their dramas; they'd effectively bag them up and drop them straight into my brain. When this 'friend' and I would part after a few hours together, I'd find myself weighed down and exhausted, as I was somehow spilling over with their problems. 

PSA: don't spend time with people who make you feel that way, guys. 


(Photo: Erin Veness)

I've been learning slowly over the past couple of years how to truly value and appreciate myself. My self-worth has been booming, after years of keeping quiet and giving way to other people. 

So I've realised. Thinking about myself a lot, wondering what I can do to improve my being and make myself happier? It's not vanity. 

It's self worth; self care, self improvement. It's good. And I suggest every one of you tries it, too. 

2 comments

  1. Wow. That is exactly what I have been going through, and I am right now in transition. I kind of wish I still was everybody's best friend, but mostly I'm happy focusing on myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hanna, you are awesome and everyone should know it. Especially you. xxx

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