Wednesday, 10 January 2018

'exes'.

This started as a small part of another post (which I’m sure will appear in full, eventually) but as I wrote it, and the words spilled out hard and fast until they filled a whole page, I realised...it’s a post on its own. I was nervous to share it, but then realised I had to. So, here goes…

I keep getting involved with men who only seem to be finished with their ‘exes’. I write that ‘exes’ because they’re not, really. Are they? I mean, these guys will still be in touch with these former partners; working together, meeting up for coffee dates or cheap dinners ‘just as friends’, or actually still together, but totally casually, ‘no big deal’…


These men seem to find me, somewhere along the way; right after or during their alleged break-ups, while they’re still in the midst of the pain and aches of it all, but for some reason they can’t say no. 

One of these men even said to me, when this situation occurred quite recently: ‘I met you, and you were this beautiful...opportunity. For happiness, after all the horrible stuff.’ So he went for it, even though he wasn’t quite ready, scooping me up and taking me along for the ride. Then, just as I get the reluctant heart involved, I realise he’s still wrapped up in all that mess and I really don’t want any part in it, I should know better...but it's too late, I like him, and I am stupidly taking the 'beautiful opportunity' comment as a compliment. 

And now, after 9 weeks away, I’m suspecting and awaiting confirmation that they reignited while I was gone. The weird thing is, I almost hope they did. Because then he’d be truly happy, and yes I’d be cut loose, but I’d be sure. Not dithering, or wondering. Not making any more fruitless effort. Not feeling like I was just an opportunity, a whim, a distraction.


EDIT: I shit you not, the day after writing this post, I asked him outright if they were back together. He said they’d been dating. So, that’s that.





I’ve been that way, before. I was utterly obsessed with an ex, who was also a friend, who I’d been on and off with for the best part of three years. We’d always say, usually between kisses after a drunken night in town that had ended, as it always had, together: ‘we make no sense,’ ‘I don’t know what we are,’ ‘we’re just us’. It was turbulent and toxic. It needed to end. And end, it did. With a bang.
Then one day, something new came into my life, while I was at the tail end of the hurting. Something good. And I leapt at it. I fought for it. I clung to it. I grew from it. It was everything I wanted; he was just what I needed. So maybe because I had that wonderful experience, born of a bright opportunity while I was wallowing in darkness, I now have faith in those situations and have no problem being an opportunity. It’s fine. It’s me. The smiling Autumn, after the pain of Summer. Makes a change from the leading lady’s sassy but totally plot-less best friend, I suppose.

I've also been The Ex. I've had my exes - no quotation marks there, because they are my actual exes - contact me while they're with someone new. Just...keeping the tab open. Not quite letting go. Flirting and sending pics, usually via Snapchat, which is smart as it'll be erased quick as a flash. And let me tell you, it doesn't feel good that way round, either. 

But I'll get to that in another post, too. For now, I'll continue on this particular rant - which isn't even a rant, it's just me speculating, sadly. And now, demanding a change. 


It's taken a long time, but I’m finally starting to want to be the only one. Crazy, I know. I want to be front and centre stage, not a secondary character, a dastardly distraction, a supporting role. I want to be wanted, just me. I’d like someone to dream up an existence starring me; make me their main focus, their muse, their #goals.
And shit, for the first time in well over a year I want someone to have sex with me because they want to have sex with me, not because they want to have sex, period. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so.

2 comments

  1. This post touched me. Thanks for being vulnerable & sharing. "I'd like to someone to dream up an existence starring me..." Chyeah girl.

    xx Megan :)
    www.welldressedmess.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, beautiful Megan. You get it. x

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