Saturday, 26 August 2017

Getting ghosted.

So in the winter of 2016, never mind when exactly, I spent the night with a man who shall regrettably remain nameless. All you readers need to know is, vodka was consumed and events transpired. Then the following morning it was rainy outside, foggy in my mind, and kinda obscenely awkward between us. I left his place fairly quickly, because despite the rain and my blurry black cloud of a hangover, I really didn't want to linger in Awksville longer than I had to. 

I think there was a bit of communication in the 2/3 days that followed, but mostly on my end to be honest, all my instigating. Then, weeks later, just when I was wondering if I should stop bothering, we met up and ended up eventually establishing, between tipsy giggles, that we'd be 'well up and totally down for' more adventures of the intimate nature in the near future - just casually, just crashing. Cool. 

Then...he vanished. 


Legit. Social media blackout. The guy became a ghost. I mean, he didn't delete his accounts or unfollow/remove me as a friend - he still received my smattering of Snapchats and read the 2 texts I sent - but he never acknowledged anything, or wrote replies. He stopped liking all my tweets and Instas. He still saw my stories, though. His name still popped up with a green ball attached on Facey B. 
He was online.
He just wasn't online with me

I mentioned this weird and frosty radio silence I'd been getting from him to a friend of mine, over a coffee in the city, not long after. I also consulted with my WhatsApp groups - has anyone else experienced this? Complete and utter abandonment in the so-called 'social' atmospheres?
Yes, it turned out others had. 

'I just don't get it,' I said, peering at my phone sitting beside my steaming coffee on the table between me and my friend. 'I thought we were cool, I didn't want anything serious - but I didn't think he'd disappear!?'
'Has this never happened to you before?!' My much more socially aware and romantically experienced friend looked at me slightly pityingly. 'You've been ghosted, babe.' 

Ghosting (verb); The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels. 

Carmen: How was your second date with Kyle?
Beth: I thought it went well, but I've texted him a couple of times since then and he's been ghosting me.
Carmen: What? I thought he was more mature than that.



Ghosting is cowardly. It's immature. It's straight up rude and just plain strange, when you think about it. Just making yourself disappear - although not really, in my case, although I imagine it can be much more extreme for some - because you don't want to continue a relationship with someone. 

Doesn't have to be a romantic thing, either. It's not dissimilar to - in fact, it's more of a technological upgrade of - Phoebe Buffay's 'cutting out' process. Now, Phoebe did this with her more annoying friends whom she no longer wished to spend time with. She'd screen their calls, avoid places they both would frequent, and never return messages. She went full-on icy and hoped these ex-friends would eventually 'get the hint' and leave her be. 
***This plot line/character quirk in 'Friends' saddens me, because I bloody love Phoebe. I love her vegetarian values, her fierce loyalty, her music and her sense of spirituality which perfectly pushes the borders between Buddhist and batshit. She's easygoing but upfront when need be, and she's way better than ghosting. Okay fine, yes I would date Phoebe. 



Yes, I was hurt by this ghosting I experienced at the end of last year. Actually, it hasn't really ended - I still never hear from this dude, which is surprising actually considering our paths seem to cross quite a lot. Am I still being ghosted now? Or is it just a process one experiences or instigates for however long it takes for the other person to 'get the hint'? Is he just that now - a ghost? Who even knows...? 

But to be honest, I think the only reason it hurt was because this guy was a friend of mine. We'd hang out happily, many times, long before the P went in the V. Oh, and that act was never my endgame, either, never something I considered before it happened - it took me quite by surprise, actually. (It was consensual, though. Don't worry. Drunk Me was delighted at the time.) 

'His loss', my friends all say. Well, I'm sure they would say that. I haven't actually spoken to many of them about this, as it was kinda embarrassing. I mean, to be telling friends one minute that you got kissed at your birthday party by a guy you never thought would be interested, then that you happily drunkenly bonked (high-fives all round)...and then to have to break the news that no, it wasn't going any further – there wouldn't even be a nice second (more sober) bonk, it seemed – because quite simply he'd opted out and not bothered to send a message my way to let me know. Or even worse, it wasn't that he couldn't be bothered – more that he didn't want to have to communicate with me again, so he blanked me on all the social platforms we shared. Ouchie. 

Well, that's that then. The ghost has left the building and will now be laid. As it were...
Lesson learned. I guess being ghosted has taught me some things, mainly that it's a shitty thing to do (but remarkably easy, in this day and age). It's definitely made me vow never to do it to any future potential partners. And I hope, dear readers, that you never experience it or never feel tempted to do it. Quick shout-out to all my fellow ghostees out there – we are worth more than that. Oh, and ghosters? Y'all are cowards. Peace out. 

11 comments

  1. Wow! Very Awesome post. Thanks for Sharing this blog. Nice line"Carmen: How was your ..............mature than that".

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  2. Whoah, thanks for this!! I felt like such a dummy when I got Ghosted... I was embarrassed. What was wrong with me? What did I do wrong?
    But thanks so much for this post! I was already in peace, but it's nice to hear/read someone else's opinion!

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    1. Oh, I'm so sorry this happened to you, too! It does make you feel silly and embarrassed, but it shouldn't. At the end of the day, the ones doing it should be ashamed! xoxo

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  3. This happened to me when I was 16 (so 10 years ago now) before ghosting was even really a thing I think, I've always been ahead of the times! Anyway after a few encounters at house parties and a few little dates here and there he just disappeared. Stopped replying to my texts and basically wouldn't even acknowledge I existed which was strange as we'd gone to school together, bumped into each other at college, had lots of mutual friends and would often end up in the same places. Every time I'd text when we'd been out with friends I'd just get ignored. Eventually I gave in but 10 years on and despite the fact I've been in a great relationship with someone else for most of that time, I still think about that guy and that experience as I never got any answers or closure. It sucked and it was cowardly and I don't think I'll ever understand how people can ghost!

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    1. Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds brutal! That person was clearly ahead of the times - but not in a good way. I hope you're better off now, I'm sure you are xoxo

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  4. I never even realised there was a name for this, but it's totally what my ex did to me! Things were going fine and then he suddenly dropped off the map, didn't answer my messages and never told me why. I'm sorry it happened to you too. Guys can be real jerks can't they?

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    1. Arghh, they really can be the worst! I'm so sorry this happened to you, too. Sending hugs! xoxo

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    2. Thanks! At least we have other girls to help us get through it :)

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  5. I ghosted someone. I feel really bad but it was SO AWKWARD but it was totally the wrong thing to do. We hooked up, something went a bit wrong and there was a lot of blood (HIS - people should really listen to me when I say something is a bad idea and might go wrong) and he finished by singing "You've got it all, you've got it all, you've got it all . . . And I want it NOW" which frankly freaked me the heck out. So when he sent messages saying he wanted to meet again I kind of freaked and ... did nothing. I should totally have told him that he was nice but I don't appreciate having the lyrics of Queen misquoted at me after sex? Or that he should have done what I told him? I feel like a heel either way. Not my proudest moment. Up there with chatting up the bartender when on a first date and leaving my date to go and get the bartender's phone number.

    I might actually be a terrible person.

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    1. Siobhan, tbf I'd be massively freaked out if I'd been in your situation. I mean, Queen?! Really!? How odd.
      Ghosting is always one of the harshest things you can do, it's always better to just shoot a little 'not feeling this' message, at least. But then, Queen....?!

      And I feel you about bartenders. They are irresistible. No judgement there.
      xoxo

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