I had a Lorelai Moment today. You know in 'Gilmore Girls' (I appreciate that most of you reading this will not be a diehard, hardcore fan like me) when Lorelai is thinking hard about something, or someone's just told her off, and she'll just stand there (or sit there) gazing into space and sometimes looking close to tears...? Well I had that today, while I was cooking pasta in the kitchen. I just leant against the oven and gazed into space. I even heard the "la-la-laaa" music in my head. x

It's weird having this kind of bond with another girl. Sorry, with three other girls. I've been with two guys, one of whom had sex with another girl before me, and both guys have had sex with another girl since me (for my extended feelings on this, please refer to my blog about being a "stepping stone"). The girl who was with the second guy before me, came right up to me at a party a while ago and shouted in my face: "we've both had sex with the same guy!" I was a bit baffled, then she got closer to me, stared right into my eyes and whispered: "I bet I was better." She then ran off giggling smugly with her friends.

The incident was predominantly hilarious, but it also made me think. This awful girl and I now share a major life experience. I barely know her, just like I barely know that guy's new girl or the other guy's new girl... (confusing I know, bear with me!) Yet now we're connected in a pretty personal way. I can't understand best friends who share sexual partners. Like I said, I barely know these girls and the thought of them doing the same intimate things I once did (okay, maybe not exactly the same...) with my two guys gives me chills. A part of me wants to pretend it's not true. Another, sickly curious, part of me wants to know how I compare to those other girls.

Coincidentally, I happened to receive a text recently that simply said: "you were the best. xxx" Well, if you say so... x

I love my best friend. I showed up at her house unannounced, sat on her bed and cried on her shoulder about how unfair life is, and how I can't believe such stupid things are upsetting me.

She wiped away my tears, pulled me close and whispered: "Don't worry babe. Looking at her, I reckon it's only a matter of time before she smothers him with those giant thighs."

And just like that, we were laughing. x

I write a lot of blogs, or ideas for blogs, on my phone in a text when I can't access my computer. I usually do this while lying in bed at night. Sometimes reading through the texts the next day I think: "I don't even remember writing that!"

I think that we are at our most truthful, certainly our most emotional, late at night. This is why the best conversations happen from 11pm onwards, and the best texts, and sometimes the best blogs.

If you ever want to see me with my armour down, find me just before bedtime. It's a fascinating sight, trust me. Or y'know, you could just read my blogs that are written around that time. x

It was so easy to get over my ex (ignoring my hideously jealous episode when he found someone better)... Why is it so hard to get over you? Maybe it's because we really are meant to be together, just like you always said. Maybe it's because I know in my heart that no matter how hard I try, I will never find another person who will truly mean the world to me; another person I'd give everything for. You're the one. The one who I can really be myself with, the one I can always turn to, the one who gives me butterflies just at the mention of your name. The one I can see myself being with forever. That's why I'm not hideously jealous of your girlfriend, and that's why the distance between us doesn't stop me believing. One day, everything will be perfect. When that day comes is up to you. Just know that I'll be waiting. x

It's because of you that I'm a bitch. It's because of you that I'm a loudmouth. It's because of you that I think I'm a slut. All your vicious rumours paid off in the end. A lot of people have formed unfair and incorrect opinions of me, and I'm starting to believe them myself. Because of you. x

It's so cosy in your head.

I just want to make a few things clear.

The people in my life, are there because they deserve to be. I lost two best friends last year, and recently I've become friends with both of them again everything between us was resolved, and more importantly because they made the effort. Throughout life people will come and go, and I really appreciate the people who come back, and the people who stay. First we all went our separate ways to college, and instantly it became clear who was going to make the effort to remain friends and who really wasn't. Those in the latter group have no hope come September. Soon they will learn that as we all spread out around the country for university and jobs, it gets more and more difficult to keep people close and they will just have to try harder. Some people I know will just sit and complain about how everyone is moving on without them, and how everyone has a new life and new friends... Then before long, there will be a fall-out. It always happens. Learn from your mistakes, make the effort, and stop wasting your time trying to get to me - because it won't work. x

I over-think things. (II)

I just had a very depressing thought. I am nobody's "last". The two guys I've been with have since found lovely new girlfriends, and indeed lovely new lives. Without me. The last guy I slept with, is now sleeping with someone else. The last guy I loved, is now in love with someone else. x

1.

Hi, my name's Gracie. I tweet like a baby chick on speed, I wear too much jewellery, I can't sing, I make myself laugh, I need to go to biscuit rehab, I have an inexplicable crush on James Corden and Plan B, one of the best experiences of my life was sleeping with a northerner, I like being alone, I tend to realise things a little too late, I'm borderline obsessed with Taylor Swift, most girls annoy me, and I'm a liar and a cheat. I have no regrets. x

It should've been me.

I should have been the one.

I should have been the girl you spent Valentine's Day with. I should have been the girl you had your arm around at the cinema. I should have been the girl who sat on your lap in the conservatory. I should have been the girl you had a duvet day with. I should have been your first.

Now, after everything, I can only hope I'll be your last. x

what you never seem to understand, is that I'm perfectly happy the way I am.

Call me Gracie. When someone starts a sentence with "Grace..." I know I'm either in trouble, or you're just about to say something really really serious. x

A lot can change in one night. Best friends can become strangers, private disagreements can become public arguments, and a good girlfriend can become a cheat. Reputations can be built and destroyed. Relationships can begin and end. Years of friendship can be forgotten about in minutes of stupidity. You can find out who you really are, and what you definitely aren't.

I'm thinking about all the eventful nights in my life, in particular the two that changed everything. x

You know when you're just so happy and feel so free, and you have no idea what to do with yourself? x

I dreamt about you last night. x

I love that last night you texted and said "no blogs tonight?" x

I can't believe my two years at college are over. There's no more lessons, no more exams, nothing more I can do to affect my grades. I can't decide if I'm relieved or sad.

Today I'm celebrating by playing Sims 2 (as per tradition), and last night I went to see 'Bridesmaids' at the cinema with some friends. I'm still laughing. x

I really really do remember everything. The big things and the small things.

I remember the first words you ever said to me, the first time you put your arm around me, and all the crazy things we did together. I remember making fun of your accent. I also remember every lesson when you'd walk in and kick me with those hideous walking boots. I remember how that blueberry muffin tasted on the last morning. I remember everything I took for granted, and everything I miss. x

I sometimes wish I was gay. Not only would relationships be so much easier, because only two girls know exactly how to make one another happy, and I'd be able to borrow my girlfriend's clothes...

I would have a proper reason to cry at the "It Gets Better" video. x

Sometimes, I really miss the best friend I had last year. The one I could just run up to and hug, sob on his shoulder and talk to whenever I wanted. Now, whenever I feel sad, I wish I could pick up my phone and call him just like I used to. x

He's annoying, he's hilarious, he's stubborn, he's beautiful, he makes me want to scream, he ruins my day and saves it at the last minute, he drives me crazy, he's unlike anyone I've ever known, he's impossible, he's unavailable, he's perfect, he's out of his mind, he's everything I want, and I love him. x

just remember, you made me this way.

I live by the words: "never forgive, never forget."

Yet I've forgiven quite a few people recently. I actually regret letting some of them back into my life, but it's not like I can take it back now, is it?

I've been giving out second chances, too. Far too many of them. One person in particular had so many second chances... And he blew them all. The last time I decided to try being his friend again, he let me down just a matter of hours later. Too bad.

I've learnt my lesson. From now on, I'm sticking to my convictions.

Also, I'm comfortable in the knowledge that there is one girl I will never, ever forgive. No matter what happens, she is never going to be back in my life. And it's her loss. x

I'm generally a reserved, polite and appropriate girl. However, sometimes I just can't help myself. I've always been an avid daydreamer, and recently I'm thanking god daily that nobody can read my mind... x

I'm fifteen again.

Remember when you're so outrageously excited for something, like for example a date with a very gorgeous boy, you dance around the house all day long screaming at the top of your lungs? x

I can't wait for the day when someone will mention your name to me, and I'll say: "yes, he's my boyfriend."

Or I'll be wandering around town with you, and we'll bump into someone I know. I will be able to introduce you; "guys, this is my boyfriend."

I wish there was a better word for it though. After all we've been through, I don't know if I could simply call you my boyfriend. Then again, if you say "guys, this is my true love," they'll think you're a soppy idiot. x

I think I want a tattoo. I've already got 5 ear piercings, and I'm getting my nose pierced for my 18th birthday. I would get something meaningful though, because I can't stand those people who just go into a tattoo parlour and just pick a design from a book. What I've got in mind is something to remind me of my Grandad. A really really subtle one on my wrist, tasteful and easy to hide from my parents!

My favourite thing about tattoos is the idea of customizing your own body. Every time I get a new piercing I feel like I'm making a big decision, and I'm in control. It's difficult to explain. But I reckon getting a tattoo would make me feel pretty amazing. x

I'm not always sure who I write this blog for. I aim certain posts at certain people, namely my ex-boyfriend, my old friends, my soulmate... But then I also want everyone else to keep reading, so I write a lot of random posts to keep things fresh. And of course, I will occasionally mention the lovely people who harass and hate.

Then I realised that throughout my day, I'm always thinking of ideas for a new entry. People I want to mention, funny things that happen to me and memories I want to revisit. I write this blog for me. x

I'm such a kid.

You have no idea how badly I want you to come to my birthday party. I cried last year when you couldn't make it. That's why my mum doesn't like you. x

I can't stand...

...Those couples my age that talk about getting married and having children. And the ones who actually get engaged. You're seventeen/eighteen! You haven't even lived yet! You should be setting your sights higher than being a housewife and mother before you're twenty-five.

I hated it when my ex brought up marriage or kids. Or when my friends' boyfriends do. Funnily enough though, when one guy friend of mine said "I reckon we'll get married one day", I didn't even flinch. In fact, I replied "yeah, probably."

I wonder if we still will. x

Right now I really really want to be back in California, eating a breakfast of buttery pancakes with strawberries in Sears Fine Food diner, San Francisco. x

You're my hero. x

I'd give anything for just one more time. x

I forgot how well you could read people. Especially me. x

This was me, last year. x

I over-think things.

You know when you wonder about all the people you know who are in relationships... Then you think "I wonder if they've had sex yet". I know it's not just me.

For example, the guy I like: not yet. My ex-boyfriend: knowing him, probably. My best friend: definitely. Sometimes you can just see a couple and know instantly. Maybe everyone does it, maybe it's just my unique superpower... x

I keep doing this.

I've made a fool of myself again. Sorry.

I can't begin to say how happy I am that we're talking again. Every time I get a text and see your name before I open it, after nearly a year of thinking I'd never ever see it again, I just feel outrageously happy. I don't want to ruin it this time. I promise I won't!

PS: You're a 10. x

I hate my best friends lying to me about why they can't meet up.

"Oh sorry babe, I've been chucking up all day!"

Translation: "I've been fucking my boyfriend all day!" x

I love texting late at night. I don't know if it's the fact that you're comfortable and alone, or especially happy to be tucked up in bed, or you're just tired and sentimental... Whatever it is, I love it.

I often worry the next day that it won't be the same; that everything that was said the night before will just be taken back - or worse, forgotten.

PS: You're a 10. x

I missed having you to cheer me up after silly things happen. Thank you. x

PS: You're a 10.

I think it's hilarious that some people read my blog and quote it purely to make fun of me. The joke's on you babe; you're reading it, quoting it and increasing the number of views. Also, it's pretty sad that you have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than read my entries and text me about them. x

It was the best.

You were more amazing to me in one weekend, than he was to me in one year. x

I take full credit for how amazing he is in bed. Just saying. x

I hope he remembers.

You know when you listen to a song, and think it's kinda sweet...

Then you really really listen to it. Listen to the lyrics and the real meaning behind the whole song.

Realise why he said it was "our song" in the first place.

I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever.

I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.

Because you are my true love, my whole heart. Please don't throw that away.

Because I'm here for you.

Please don't walk away, and please tell me you'll stay.

x

I don't think you understand how much your friendship means to me. And how much I've missed it. x

I told her.

Also... I accidentally told my Drama teacher what happened last year.

I was looking at some of the photos that had been stuck on the walls of the theatre. There were a few photos of us last year, during rehearsals for our play. So I was standing there looking at them, maybe getting a little tearful, and I saw a photo of a girl who hates me (one of many, all for the same reason). My teacher came up behind me and said "you alright, beautiful?"

I replied: "that girl really hates me."

"Why?" ...And I told her. I also told her I haven't properly spoken to you since, and she gave me the biggest hug in the world, started crying and said "did you get hurt? Did that boy hurt you?!"

"It's a long story."

Sometimes I feel like she genuinely cares about what happens to me. I'll miss that. x

I'm sad to go, happy to leave.

Yesterday was my last ever day at college. My last ever lesson was Drama. We played games, ate cake and didn't stop laughing (even when our teacher was giving us a heartfelt goodbye speech).

Then we had our Performing Arts Awards Evening. Obviously I didn't win anything, but I was so happy because everyone I voted for won. The musical theatre kids sang songs from the 50s and 60s, and to finish our Drama teacher sang "Every Time We Say Goodbye". It was really sweet actually.

Then we all went to the pub. My friend got drunk and confessed his love for one of my best girl friends, after seeing her kissing one of HIS friends... Wow, awkward. Luckily, I'm excellent at looking after my drunk friends.

While all this was going on, I kept thinking about my first ever Drama lesson at college. How I was completely swept away by the amazing things we did in the one lesson. I was blown away by some peoples' talents and my teacher's crazy passion. I met a wonderful boy.

I had a tiny argument with a hideous girl last night, some of us know her as "Warhoe". She was drunk and rambling about how her and this boy have a complicated romantic history, and I took advantage of her drunken state by shouting suddenly "I can assure you, he and I have a way more complicated history than you two ever will! So do everyone a favour and shut up."

She shut up. Even my very drunk friend was impressed.

Also, a certain ginger girl was giving me disgusted and hateful looks all night. I know why. Like my very wise, very tall friend says... Everything comes back to Ashford.

Despite everything, at least I ended this year on a high note. x

I wonder...

If they're still together. If I will pass my exams. If I will get into university. What people will think of my outfit tomorrow night. If I will survive this weekend. If I am capable of doing horrible things. If he fancies me a little bit too. If I was actually nominated for any of the awards tomorrow night. Why I can't stand myself 99% of the time. If I'll ever ever ever have sex again in this lifetime. Whether or not I'll have a bad dream tonight. If he still thinks about me. If he knows how badly I need him back in my life. If he has forgiven me yet. If anyone will watch the videos I'm making. If I'll ever get bored of watching Easy A. If I'll ever be able to watch 500 Days of Summer again without bursting into tears. If he remembers how "right" it felt. If anyone cares. x

I still can't believe people actually read this blog. When I get home at the end of the day and check it, there's always at least a hundred more views in the sidebar. It makes my day.

It's amazing enough that a load of people who barely know me read my funny little ramblings, but I recently found out that someone who means a lot to me has been reading this too... Wow.

Thank you. I genuinely thought you'd erased me from your memory. I'm holding onto that tiny hope that we'll see each other again some day soon. Little advance warning: I may give you a monster hug, and cry.

Anyway, thanks for reading guys. I owe you all a cuppa. x

I'm not fifteen, but...

So I've got a whole load of cheesy CDs in my car, including several Taylor Swift albums of course... Recently, I've been delving into the "Fearless" album, which will always be my favourite.

That song 'Fifteen' came on this morning and as I was singing along, I burst into tears. Yes I'm a loser, but that song reminds me of being fifteen at school. Wanting so badly to fit in, have a boy notice me and to look perfect.

I sat next to a red-haired girl in class, who became my best friend. I also sat next to a girl named Abigail, who also became my best friend. I went on a "date" with a boy, and danced around my room when I got home. I swore I was going to marry him some day, but I realised some bigger dreams of mine. My best friend "gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind" AND we both cried.

I didn't know who I was supposed to be, at fifteen. x

I never realised!

I write blogs about people I know, and people who mean a lot to me and how I feel about them...

Then when they actually read them, I die a little of embarrassment. Oops. x

I lied.

I never told you. I never told anyone. It wasn't a mistake. It was long in the making.

It wasn't just one night. It was the whole damn weekend. Including the Monday morning. x

I got a reply!

This is shocking and outstanding. My "soulmate" has texted me back!

It's funny; last year we spent every day together, shared everything with each other, fell insanely stupidly in love and spent a whole weekend together in bed. You'd think we would still be on speaking terms.

Yet no, the closest we get is one text in a whole year. I did send that "It's been a year, I miss you" text, never in a million years expecting a reply. I just wanted him to know.

Then a week later, he replies. Saying he doesn't regret what happened, and another goodbye. I texted back something pretty soppy, and "I hope we'll see each other again." Then a few minutes later, he says... "someday soon".

Hey, you should know better than to give me hope. x

It's shocking...

...How having nice hair can affect your day, week, year, life.

After 8 months without a haircut, I finally went back to my mum's hairdresser - the notorious Michelle, celebrated stylist, Vogue reader and conversational wizard. She always manages to talk me into "going dramatic"; I don't know how she does it! She'll sit me down in the chair and say "right, so what are we thinking?" and I'll say "nothing too drastic please" all timid and polite, then she'll somehow convince me that I need a short and sharp bob or a fierce perm... Or both!

So today I went in thinking "not this time, not this time, I have long hair for once in my life and I want to keep it for as long as possible..." Within minutes, 70% of my hair was on the floor and the rest was clinging on and hanging only down to my jaw. "Fabulous!" says Mich.

I ran home, made it in three minutes, listened to my family tell me how "mature" and "flattering" it was, ran upstairs and fell face-down on my bed crying.

"Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world!" - what Marylin Monroe forgot to say was "but whatever you do, don't give her a bad haircut!"

You can't buy beauty, but give my hairdresser enough money and she'll buy you ugly. x

I'm not.

There are a lot of things I will admit I am not. Innocent, patient, careful, hysterically funny, honest...

But I am NOT naive. x

I miss the other him.

Recently, my dad has been getting more and more distant, stressed and... Just boring.

Yeah yeah, he's got a difficult job and he's going on a very important business trip next week, but does he have to be so grouchy and unnecessarily harsh?

x